-The Scent of a Rose-

Been rather busy lately. Work is chaotic and life moves on at its pace. There is someone i have talked to for a long time. Nearly a year now. Its been on and off again since we met. Lets see what happens.

Posted at 4:30 PM

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-Good News, Bad News-

Sorry i havent posted, been rather busy this week. i have an appt to have some new pictures taken this weekend. Looking forward to it, some nice new erotic pics. Hehehe.

i went to the Dr on Wednesday to get the results of my biopsy from my surgery a few weeks ago. What was removed came back beign. *big sigh of relief* No cancer, the chances were slim but still you fret and worry.

Bad news is the flu is running rampant through my office. And i now have it. So miserable and sick. So much for the weekend. Ugh.

Until Later,

nienna

Posted at 5:55 PM

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-Monday Woes-

Ok i am still alive and kinda kicking. The weekend kicked my ass thats for sure. Have to remember to beat my sister for introducing me to Pornstars.

Too worn out to write much today.

Until later,

nienna

Posted at 3:43 PM

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-Hungover Sunday-

Ohhhhh!!!! For those who do not know, Pornstars are brutal. Its a drink you Perverts. They are fruity and go down like water. i forgot how many i had after the first 10. That would likely explain why i'm so hungover today.

Tried to get some housework done but it just wasnt happening. At least the guys at the bar were hot and friendly.

If i survive this hangover i'll be back tomorrow.

nienna

Posted at 3:10 PM

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-Le Sigh-

i find recently my self esteem and confidence in myself as well as my appearance has taken a major blow. i can feel myself sinking into feeling sorry for myself and i hate it. Damn him for making me feel this way, makes me want to crush him for the games he played. And he knows who he is.

Do you get off coming to my blog and reading about the pain you have caused me, but arent man enough to face me and explain yourself?

i hope it was worth it.

nienna

P.S. i track who comes to my blog, so i know You keep coming here.....either face me or leave me alone.

Posted at 10:15 AM

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-Brighter Days Ahead-

i decided i'm not going to just curl up into a ball and die. Fuck Armour and his bullshit, i deserve better and i will get better. Jackass is probably married and the little wife found out what he was up to. But i will know that shortly. You dont toy with me and get away with it.

i was telling a Friend of mine about it and low and behold, i have a date for Valentines. Looks like this weekend wont be a total loss.

nienna

Posted at 4:20 PM

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-Where Do you Go?-

Where does one go from here? After allowing myself to be used, betrayed and made a fool of how do i get to move on. i wonder if he even knows the damage he did to me. Or if he even cares. i doubt it. i wish i knew why. i know i never will have the answers i need and that only makes it harder to try get past it. Does he still come here and read the torment and pain he caused me? Or does he just sit back and laugh about it with his buddies.

The thought of ever trusting someone again sickens me. To be a slave unable to trust? What kind of life is that? i'm tired of crying and feeling stupid.

nienna

Posted at 5:53 PM

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-Once Bitten, Twice Shy-

i was stupid. i didnt think it could happen to me, thought i was smart enough to spot the warning signs. Guess i was wrong. He played me like a champ and left me broken and sobbing my fool heart out.

Yup, Armour was nothing more then a player. He was supposed to be here the day after tomorrow. Last time i heard from him was Saturday, told me he loved me and would call me later. Never heard from him again. After dozens of worried and paniced texts and messages left ignored i checked with his hotel. No one with his name is registered there. His profile on CM is suddenly gone.

i was so stupid. i was a fool and trusted someone. It is a mistake i will never make again. If that means i spend the rest of my life alone, so be it. No one will make a fool of me again or make me cry.

i am done.

nienna

Posted at 3:27 PM

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-Honesty Online-

This is a touchy subject for me. i have spent years being lied to and decieved. Little white lies meant to prevent me from becoming upset or hurt. To me a little white lie is no different than a big lie. It is still being dishonest. And considering the Lifestyle i choose to live, being dishonest does not build a good trust foundation.

Why this topic? Well to be honest it was brought to my attention when i was telling friends at work that Armour is arriving here next Wednesday evening. A few of the girls made good natured jokes about what if the Man i see isnt the Man from the pictures. Not that it made me think He was being dishonest with me. But it made me think about honesty and the online dating scene. Especially in BDSM. Why? Because being honest is so important to build the foundation of trust. It got me to thinking about stories i have heard in the past. People meeting online and then meeting in person, but the person who arrives is nothing like the image they sent.

Please dont think this is something superficial as it isnt. Or perhaps it is in a way now that i think about it. However the image is what we first see of the person. It forms a place in our minds and that form grows as we get to know the person. To me it makes no sense to be dishonest about that. Its a pretty obvious that if you plan to meet you will be found out. And then what are you left with? Someone who's feelings are hurt for being lied to and trust built shaken perhaps beyond repair.

Armour and i spoke of this last night. He made a good point and one i agree with. Why would He be dishonest about something like that when we are going to meet. As well as put in the time, effort, money spent and emotional energy into slowly beginning to build my trust in Him as well as His trust in me.

For myself i trust Him and believe that He is who He is. Yes how He looked drew me in for a closer look at the Man Himself. i'm not afraid or ashamed to admit that. i was at first afraid that the Man wouldn't be as welcoming as the smile i saw in His picture. i have never been so happy to be wrong. He is more gorgeous on the inside then He is on the out. Treats me well and i know will take care of me. And that is the important part.

Until later,

Armour's brat

P.S. Brad Pitt eat your heart out!!

Posted at 4:16 PM

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-Older = Better???-

Ok so another birthday has rolled around, they say older only means better right? Yea yea i know i'm only 32 but some days i tell ya. One nice thing is that i still get carded from time to time. Bless their sweet little hearts. Makes me wanna kiss em.

As per usual whenever my birthday comes around the temperature always seems to plummet. It was a balmy -21 today. Brrr!!! OMG i cant wait for spring. Or perhaps a trip to the Keys. (nudges Armour in the ribs)

Time to grab a bite and settle in for the night.

Until later,

Armour's brat

Posted at 6:16 PM

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-TPE vs APE vs D/s-

i read an interesting post the other day on D's blod about how a slave is nothing in the eyes of her Owner other then property. i may have gotten the exact wording wrong however that seemed to be the gist of what had D all in a tizzy. Cant say as i blame her as that is quite untrue when you are involved in a true D/s or M/s relationship. A slave is the Dominants property yes, but she is so much more then that as well. Property is a chair, house or car. If you are treated as such then it is my opinion that you are not in a true BDSM relationship but rather one based on abuse and misconception. But thats just me. Perhaps that works for you.

TPE or Total Power Exchange is a relative term these days. The submission of one's control to Another is a concensual and agreed upon contract between a Dominant and the slave/submissive who has chosen Him/Her. Hopefully that choice has been made based on compatibility of personality, values, beliefs and connection. Not on convenience or the idea that better this than no Owner at all. That is where abuse and damage can set in and good slaves are ruined. Or left with the view that BDSM is for the Dominants benefit only.

Another term used is APE or Absolute Power Exchange. The same as TPE and just as broadly defined. It depends on the situation and individuals involved as to what that exchange is and how deep it goes.

For myself i choose to be with Someone who i am not only growing to adore with my whole heart but am frighteningly close to thinking i will end up worshipping the very ground He walks on. As each day passes there is more and more in Him that i find that appeals to me. my sense of values and morals as well as connection and communication. He always wants to know what i am thinking. This to me does not speak of a Man who sees me as nothing more then property, but as a person's whom opinion and thoughts He values to have.

He is a Dominant in the true sense of the word. It isnt His actions that speak. It is the way He listens. To my needs, desires, fears and complexities. It tells me that He intends to look out for my best interests. After all, too many submissives, and sadly Dominants as well, seem to forget that it isnt the Dominant that takes control from the slave. It is the slave that constents and gives that control to the Dominant they have chosen to be their own. If i choose not to allow Armour to have that control, that is my choice to make and one i know He would accept. He may not like it but He would accept it. However that isnt the case. i will gladly give that control to Him. In effect transferring to Him the exchange of power over me and my life.

i know He values my view point and opinion to the point that if there was a major decision to be made in regards to our life it would be discussed with me. While He has the final word and makes the final decision, i know my thoughts and feelings would be taken into consideration and help guide His choice as to what would work best for us. That shows me His respect for me, as i respect Him as not only a Dominant but as a Man as well. i know in His eyes i am much more then just a slave. i am a woman with thoughts and feelings who will be His partner and companion for the rest of His life, if He will have me.

That in no way means He has the right to violate that trust. It is only because i trust in Him to keep me safe and happy that i allow that exchange to take place at all when the time is right. i know He would never see me as nothing more then property. If that were to ever become the case, then we had reached the end of our journey together.

Something tells me He and i will be having a very long and joyous journey together. One i look forward to.

On a last note; just because He might treat me like a piece of property now and again. In no way tells me that that is the only way He sees me. Every now and again i want to be treated that way. Helps right any unbalance in my slavery to Him and guides me right back to where i want to be. Knelt at His feet with His fist wrapped in my hair. Knowing i belong to Him, body, heart, mind and soul.

Until later,

Armour's brat

Posted at 3:23 PM

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