-Reflections-

i know i have already done my post for today, but i find myself doing some deep inner reflecting this evening. Something i tend to avoid if i can whenever possible. One reader in particular will know this to be true. Dont you D? Emotion has never been easy for me, expressing or even allowing myself to feel it. Its messy, never does what i want or expect it to do and always comes with a healthy dose of reality and pain that rips me out of my neat little fantasy world.

i'm not sure what brought this on tonight. Maybe reading back on some of D's old posts from years ago. Perhaps the sudden and rather unpleasant stab of pain i felt today at barely being able to talk to Armour for more then 5 minutes. It isnt His fault and i dont blame or resent Him for it. It is what it is. i knew weeks before He left that this week would be difficult. And its proving to be a little more challenging for me then i had realized. Even now i find myself stumbling over my own thoughts as to how i want to put them down. Or even if i want to at all. i cant stand leaving myself open and vulnerable to any form of pain, especially emotional. Nothing will rip me apart faster.

This feeling tonight is so intense and yet disturbing at the same time, for me anyways. Perhaps other girls dont struggle with this but i always have. i have been called cold more then once in recent years by the one who was closest to me. i thought i was protecting myself and my heart from another round of disappointment and pain. Perhaps i am cold, i am well aware i have my moments of shutting down completely and being unresponsive emotionally. A few of you have seen the other side of me, usually my wrath and temper which is formiddable. i protect what is mine and i never back away from a fight. i may walk away to let cooler heads prevail and reason to overcome cruelty, but the fight will happen.

What i know right now is that what i feel for Armour terrifies me. i mean bone chilling fear that at moments like this leave me almost paralized. i didnt want to feel anything ever again. i was done with it, to give my heart and have it stomped on over and over again over the course of years was more then even i could take. Many have refferred to me as the strongest person they have ever known. Not so much. They didnt see the endless nights of crying myself to sleep or just crying to the point of becoming ill when it became too much. i didnt want to open myself up to that kind of agony again. And giving your heart to Someone is just that. Giving them the power to hurt you.

i know its more then that. It also gives them the power to lift you up higher then you could have ever imagined being. To know that when He smiles at you, you have to look down to see the clouds. To watch your hand tremble as you reach for the phone when you know its Him on the other line. Even to know that you will shake uncontrollably that first time His arms close around you or He kisses what belongs to Him. To stay up until 2am because you want to know He got a good nights sleep before you pass out from sheer exhaustion. It does make the pain worth it when it comes. No one is perfect, there are fights. Hurtful things said or done. A careless thought or forgotten plans. And yet knowing that it will be His arms that hold you later that night.....makes me want to try again.

i dont have a choice really anymore. He has my heart. Has had it for weeks before i would allow myself to acknowledge it. There is a need in me now that is something new. Something i havent experienced before. Perhaps because i have yet to allow Anyone my complete trust, it is driving me to give it to Him. The fear is there, very real and chilling, wanting to keep that final piece hidden safely. i am so tired of being afraid. i dont think even He knows this. Well, He does now doesnt He. Its not something i can help, try as i might. That fear is so deeply apart of me i dont know how to overcome it yet. i know i want Him to be the One who gets me there.

Something i have found myself craving is structure. It was one of D's posts that made me realize it. The need for that structure, His rules and guidelines. Not a rule book or something of the sort. Its hard to describe and i can only hope He understands what i'm trying to get at even though i'm not quite sure what it is myself.

i love You Armour. i think You already own my very soul and forgive me if that scares the shit out of me. Please just be patient with me.

Until later,

Armour's brat

Posted at 7:14 PM

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