-Are You Kidding me?-

Ok so seriously, wtf? i make contact with a former person i know and talk about things going on in my life and suddenly i'm plotting the demise of my ex's relationship. Puhlease!! i have more important things to do, worry over and think about in my life then planning to sabotage his thing. Honest to god. And then to hint that if something is said or told to the new girl that he will be very upset? Oh? Did you just threaten me? i certianly hope not. That would be a seriously foolish thing to do.

The utter nerve! Arg i am so pissed off at the moment i would seriously adore to introduce someone to my fist. It takes alot to get me that mad. But some people just know how to push my buttons. Oh and lets set me off further by leaving me so irriated that even talking to Armour couldnt completely soothe me. Oh see now that tears it. i live for my talks with Him and being pissed off when He called is not my idea of a relaxing evening. Especially when it isnt His fault. So i was extremely quiet, to prevent my temper from erupting and snapping at Him by mistake when He isnt the one i'm mad at. Needless to say the talk was dismally short which now leaves me restless and aching in a way that isnt pleasant at all.

Well so much for a decent nights sleep tonight. Grrr!!!

i mean honestly, what good would it serve me to cause problems for him. Honestly? i am not with him, i do NOT want him and i have moved on. i dont even feel anger anymore over things that caused the end of my marriage. It simply isnt worth it. Perhaps early on or before the final split i may have felt the need to rant, rave and generally make life miserable. Yet even then, when i had just cause and reason i didnt. The fights were contained where they belonged. Between him and i in the privacy it deserved. Ok well maybe not totally private as those fights did get rather loud. Yes nasty things were said on both parts, but when the pain is that fresh and still bleeding its going to happen. Each lashing out to hurt the other in the best way they know how in order to try lessen the pain each is feeling themselves. i have shed my tears and cried for the last time over this, be it from pain, humiliation or anger. No more.

This incident has really made me think however. About myself and how i shut down and completely turn off in the face of anyone getting too close to me. A protective measure designed to prevent anyone else from ever being able to know how to hurt me best. i have always kept that last part of myself carefully locked away where no one can get to. Never allowing myself to finally give that last piece of me so that i can always say. See?, i knew this would happen. i dont want to spend my life wondering or worrying that the One i want more then anything will get that final piece and one day use it against me. All i am doing then is hurting myself as well as Him. Oh hell no. Na uh. i am so done with that. As overwhelmingly terrifying as it may be, i will give Him that. If He wants it. i will not keep being afraid to completely trust, which is what has always held me back from being the submissive i know i can be. It may be a bit early for Armour and i, but i am not going to hold back from Him. If He wants it, He can have it. It cant feel so right and so intense this fast for it not to be the right path for me.

To Armour: i am truly sorry that i allowed him to upset me to the point that it interfered with Your call tonight. That upset me more then anything he said to me. i wont let fear of being hurt stop me from giving You everything You need or want from me, be it my body, heart, mind or my very soul. i will be Yours if You will have me. There will be fights i am sure, if there werent that is when i would worry. But i will shed my tears, get over my temper and not hold back from You. As difficult as that will be for me for the foreseeable future, i will work at it and get past it with Your help.

So i will try to get some sleep, it will be fitful i am sure given that my time on the phone with Him was so short and not completely pleasant because of my foul temper. And hope that it is His voice in my ear waking me up in the morning. Unless i'm up before Him. *innocent smile*

Until later and better moods,

Armour's brat

Posted at 8:25 PM

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