-Tides of Change and Broken Hearts-

It has been a long time since i last posted here. So much has changed, not all of it for the better. IceWolf and i are no longer together. We will be divorcing next September. i am left alone and shattered and wondering what it is that is wrong with me that i couldnt make it work. Was it all me, all Him, B/both. After 9 years together for it to be over and gone, its a bitter pill to swallow and try recover from.

It hasnt been easy. Nasty things have been said on both parts. Feelings hurt and questions being asked. We are trying to remain friends as it is how we started, but my God it isnt easy. We each know how to hurt the other best and hardest. And we cant seem to stop taking advantage of that. i have been told i am cold, bitter, angry, just like my mother. All the things that will tear down my self esteem and self worth the fastest. i have said some nasty things on my part as well, i wont sugarcoat that. i cant seem to stop the words that flow out of my mouth. i hear it and think, oh my God shut up and stop making it worse.

i know He suffers and is in pain. But at least there are those who comfort and support Him. i do not have that support system. All the friends i had are really His and of course choose Him. So i have to try muddle through alone and scared.

How do you heal and move on after such horrible things are said? How do you even think of trusting or loving someone again after the pain and damage done?

He told me i can never be the slave i crave because of my inability to trust completely and let go. i always look for the alterior motive, suspect i will be used, hurt, taken advantage of. Some of it is His doing, some of it is upbringing and years of childhood pain and disappointment. How do i get back the feeling and trust now lost. The need is there, inside me. To completely give myself and submit completely to One. i ache for it, crave it, cry because i think i cant do it and will never have that.

What happened to the girl i used to be? The one always smiling, laughing, playing with sisters and free in her submission. i cant find her anymore and in her place all i see is a woman broken, cold, scared and alone. "Time heals all wounds." What a crock. Doctors looking to make a buck use that term. Time wont make these feelings disappear. They have been with me my entire adult life. Maybe dormant, but always there. Little doubts and feelings of insecurity nagging at me. The wounds may stop bleeding someday, but the scars left in their wake will always be a reminder. Making me remember and hurt.

i miss who i used to be. And dont know how or even if i can get her back.

Respectfully,

nienna

Posted at 10:33 AM

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